Dealing With Your Former Spouse

Divorce is not a pleasant experience and, for any of a number of reasons, you may harbor a resentment of your ex-spouse. However, it is important to remember that he or she — like you —is a parent. How you treat your former spouse, and how he or she treats you, will have a dramatic effect on the well-being of the children you share.

With that in mind, here are 10 suggestions for dealing with disagreements you and your former spouse may encounter:

1. Don’t fight. Stop and think about the reasons for the disagreement. Try to understand the other person’s point of view. Make sure the other person understands your point of view.

2. Don’t try to be (or expect anyone else to be) a “mind reader.” Speak up. In a non-argumentative manner, tell your former spouse your thoughts and opinions. Ask for explanations if you need them.

3. Be a good listener. Really hear what the other person is saying and meaning. Ask questions that might clear up confusion.

4. Avoid “tit-for-tat” exchanges and yelling matches. You can’t really win by being the loudest or batting the same old tired accusations back and forth.

5. Don’t get personal. Stick to the issues and focus on the problem, not the people. Name-calling, sarcasm and insults only make matters worse.

6. Cool down before there’s a meltdown. Anger leads to violence. Get control of your anger before you even try to address the problem.

7. Look at the problem from another point of view. Think about the other person’s position. Try to imagine how he or she is feeling. You might get some idea why the other person is not responding the way you’d like.

8. Look for a new approach. Try to think and talk about the conflict in a different way. Find some common ground between you and your ex-spouse.

9. Be reasonable. Don’t make demands which can’t possibly be met. Look for ways to compromise, so that each person “gives a little” in search of a solution.

10. Aim for solutions that make everyone feel like a winner. Instead of being determined to “win,” be concerned with reaching a decision that is best for your children.

Visitation Tips

Visiting with the other parent must be ongoing if the children are going to love and respect both parents.

A court will usually decide that the parent who does not have custody of the children may take them to his or her home, or away from their home overnight.

If the father has a new girlfriend, or the mother has a new boyfriend, it is better not to take the children to the friend’s home. Remember, this is a time of adjustment not only for you but also for your children. Visitation is meant to be a time for the parent and children to be together and enjoy each other. Visiting with the parent’s friend may make the children feel that the parent does not have time for them.

If a parent can’t come for the children on the day that was agreed upon, he or she should tell the other parent and the children as soon as possible. Not telling them may hurt their feelings.

Some divorced parents think that visits are not important. This is not true. Even if the parents can’t get along, visitation is important. The children need both parents if they are to grow up in a normal way.

Should the visiting parent plan to take the children to an exciting place? That is not as important as just being with the child.

As a parent, you shouldn’t use the visit as a way to check on the other parent. Don’t ask the children questions about the other parent. This can hurt them by forcing them to take sides.

The two parents should also agree on a common set of rules for their children. If they do not, it will be confusing to the children.

Finally, if the children have problems with the visits, both parents should find ways to address the problems.